First n foremost, i dont wish to hurt any feelings nor i wish to hate.

My sincere apologies if I ever hurt any one of you. I dont wish to be hated :(

Im really sorry... I dont wish to have any sins for bad friendships..

I shall start from the VERY beginning.

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It was a frustrating 9th of july 2006. Yes. dats the date. There was fear, anger and disappointment in me. It was the day of my very first silat match. yes. my very first. And it was a sunday. Imagine the level of nervousness inside of me. N the anger, when my brother told me he's coming but he didnt. and the sadness, when u see ur peers had their famlies together with them supporting them all the way. But not for me. As expected, i knew my family wouldnt bother.

N it was the very last match of RP. some of my own team had left. Yes, i was crying inside with dat fact. But my lovely girlfriends were there to keep me strong. =D .. with the rest that stayed of course.

N as expected, I lost. Hee.. it was with kakak umar. who wouldnt expect? I must say she really was good. She's strong. I was in terrible pain. yes. There's instant bruises all over. I was trying hard not to cry during the fight of course. But i tell u, it was super scary for a first timer to get her as an opponent. Alhamdulillah, I stayed for all the 3 rounds. Im proud of myself :)

I was in terrible tears afterwards. Undeniable. Esp when there's friends around hugging me. n yes, it happened during magrib. So pple rushed for prayers and some rushed back home coz its almost night time. So it was just me, with the instructor.. cooling me down.. of course u cant expect me to rush n change right after a fight yea. After quite some time, i dragged my tired feet and aching and painful body to the toilet. I really needed some wash up.

It was then i realized, my ezlink card n handphone were not with me. A friend of mine kept them for me before the match. Oh yea, after changing n all, i saw no one. My team had left. No one that i knew was there. haiz.. now where could they be.. I wanted to call.. but.. eyy my phone's not with me. I panicked. yes. i really did. I was just soo scared. After all the crying, i just wished to cry again. No one actually waited for me. how sad. N how am i suppose to go home without the ezlink. (n i had no money)

I did some look out of course. Round n round the NYP sports hall. None. All i saw were strangers, cleaning up the hall. Its super scary coz the ppl was cleaning up, meaning that the hall will be closed soon. I seached the prayer area. None. Up n down i went. No avail. SAD.

And.. something caught my attention. I saw this senior of mine.. I didnt really know him.. just that i saw him few times in school. I thought that was my only chance. Haiz.. no choice. Trying so hard not to be shy (coz this senior is a He), I approached him. I told him abt my situation n asked for help. I asked him to call any of my friends. N sadly, he didnt have any of my friends numbers. N neither did i remember the numbers.

TERRIBLE. SAD. DOOMED!

It was then.. i noticed this someone. This someone looked so familiar.

oh yea!! then i remembered, he was, a friend of my friend. There goes my 2nd hope! I asked him to call my friend, he dialled it and gave me his phone. oh.. my friend didnt answer the call. He dialled a 2nd number, didnt get through either! oh well..

I broke down.

N i was perspiring hard.

I think my head was spinning. It really was a bad day for me. I really wished i could teleport myself back home. The embarrasing part was, that senior of mine n his friends.. gave me a cup of drink n asked me to rilex n sit down. EMBARRASING, cause they were all males, plus strangers!

Only abt 10-15 minutes later, a friend of mine came searching for me! oh dear! how could they forget me!! They were all still there but were outsite of the sports hall. Diao. nvr inform me!!

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And all those frustating moments, actually marks the day ;)

That was how i met him. Yes. him. My darling.

He's the one who dialled up the 2 numbers and gave me his phone.

N it was few days after, where we met again in MSN..n months after, we got to know each other more =D

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N when we had start falling for each other, i consulted a friend.. a friend whom i trust at dat point of time. A friend whom i told him to keep it to himself first. I consulted for advices n opinions whether or not, i should accept this someone i met earlier. We weighed out the pros n cons toghether. Everything that one really should do. Coz i was afraid i picked out the wrong one.

After a decision was made, this friend of mine told me he was happy for me. He encouraged me to go on. I was all "on-clouds" and excited at that time.

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Little did i expect.. this friend didnt keep it to himself but told some other abt my secret love story.

damn i was shot. Another someone was really mad at me. Didnt bother to talk to me. When i asked if she was mad, she said no.

But things didnt look right. I talked to her. On MSN of course, coz she didnt wana talk infront of ppl. Ok then. It was then that i knew, she was once in love with this particular person i met. but it was all history..they were no longer together.. she told me she still loved him n told me to go on...n dont hold back because of her, n she's all fine with it...wats the word she used... oh.. "redha".. yes.. she said she redha..

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So i proceeded. I went on. I lead a my normal life. A new life, with a loved one.

N the cute thing was, it was raye moment. N I told my parents about him. I told them I wanted to invite him over. N yes, he did came n met my father. My mom was all excited n cooked something new. =D

I was the happiest girl.

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But i kept it low.. I knew it would be hurtful for her though she said she's fine with it n asked me to go on.. I made sure i didnt talk abt him infront of her. I wouldnt wanna hurt her. Time flies n she started to talk to me.. Im all happy.. I thanked God millions of times.. uncountable.. for the greatest happy moments God gave me..

So when it comes to IVP this yr..I was freaking worried if the presence of him would affect her..

Again, i consulted this friend whom i trust.. he told me no worries... she has moved on...

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But i guess good things have its obstacles.

I was insulted. Insulted for being together with him. I couldnt believe my eyes either. The friend whom i trusted... insulted me. The one who encouraged me to go on with this new life.. insulted me..

It was infront of everyone. Friends saw it and was all shocked. ppl saw it and asked me what happened...soon.. everyone knows... It really was sad.

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Im confused... am i at fault?? tell me, is this my fault??

Im insensitive n a dramaqueen coz i took pictures with my love one?

Im insensitive when i heed friends' advices to go on with dis guy?

Im insensitive when i was told she's all fine with it?

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Im sad n hurt.

Do i deserve this?

Do i deserve to be known as "part of kompol org nk pukol bantai"?

Oh Allah, if i really made a mistake.. do show me.....

Oh Allah, do reveal the truth...

Oh Allah, open the door to my heart for forgiveness..

Oh Allah, take away all the hatred inside of me... n help us learn to love....one another...

Ameen...