Guests.. visitors... they kept coming over one after another last weekend. Throughout, I didnt know if I should feel happy or otherwise cause it was quite tiring to be in the kitchen all day long.

Glasses and dishes... peioks and kualis, cutleries..countless times I had to wash and serve.. wash and serve. Potong lada potong sayur and everything else. I wasnt complaining.. and im not complaining now either. The whole raya pattern and process have kept me thinking.

Thinking.. thinking..

I wonder how my mom handled everything on her own when we were young. I dont remember helping her out when I was a kid. She mustve been really strong. Im sure all moms are. And I wonder why I tire out easily when Im not even into the stage of a mom.

So when I was helping out in the kitchen, mom was telling me how delighted she was when people come over. She kept telling me how 'besar hati' she was. And there was this glitter of happiness from her expressions.

And I guess she showed her affection and gratitude through her cookings. Goodness I tell you, she prepared mee goreng, lontong with all its lauks, samosa, nuggets and kuih pau and served everything for just one family.

At that instance, I know I should stop sighing. I know mom will never stop showing her gratitude that way. It has been going on every year. And if Im helping her, i better do it with sincerely. Ikhlas. But thing is, I realize she's getting older and she gets tired even more than I do.

When I was a kid, I didnt help at all.. and slowly when I grew up, mom made me help her bit.. by bit.. and the amount of things I do slowly increase proportionally as i grow up.

So i wonder, will there be a point... where... I have to replace her job entirely one day? Im not even sure if Im ready. Knowing my mom, she had taught me how these kitchen responsibilities and housework chores belong to us females. If the males in the house help out.. its already good enough that they 'help'. But us females, its never 'help' out cause its part of our responsibilities.

I dont know when was the transition line... but somehow I realize times have changed. Things are different nowadays.

On the night of Syawal, every year, my family will pray together jemaah and then takbir. This year, somehow I was brought to tears seeing both my mom and dad had to pray on a chair.

I have come to realize that my parents are getting old and unwell. The whole raya preparation had made them very exhausted and sickly. Mom had knee trouble after all the cookings and dad was still unwell from the tummy effects.

When it comes to raya-visiting, I could see that the main topic between parents and aunts/uncles is always about illnesses. DArah tinggi? kencing manis? sakit lutot? sakit kepale? Its just too common among them.

And what about the generation before them? Grandmas and grandpas. wheelchairs, tongkats... dementia? ITs really sad. They could say things repeatedly cause they forgot that they had said it before. And when we made them realize that they are repeatingly saying/asking the same thing.. they would start to tear. The whole scene is just.. very sad. Ada yang,... maaf kata, cant control their saliva. Thats even more sad.

Times really have changed. I could still remember how these old people were somehow 'fit' and funny joking around when I was a kid. It made me realize that, if they are already that old, I must be VERY adult now. Scary but true somehow.

I started to notice that nowadays the Dependence-level is mutual. Its no longer just the parents giving it to us.

And what saddened me was, realizing how many times I sighed each time. Sighed each time I cleaned the house cause they are no longer fit to do so. Sighed to help them out serving the guests. Sighed when I had to send them here, there, everywhere. I felt Sinful. I forgot how much they've done for me ever since I was born - yet never complained.

This time round, when my friends are coming over for Raya, I told myself I really should not trouble my mom. They are my guests and I should be the one doing it. I went to the supermarket few days before. Bought some drumlets, brownie flour and fresh flowers =)

Flowers for my living room, baked brownies, and drumlets to fry and serve. Well, I guess thats good enough for a start. Im not skillful yet to cook dishes! InsyaAllah one day. =D

Thoughout, I felt something... indescribable. Somehow there was this tinge of excitement inside of me. Something... delightful! I realize... perhaps this was what my mom feel each time she has guests and prepares numerous food! Yes, it was that 'besar hati' kind of feeling I thought. I guess this has been the drive that that no matter how tired she is, she will still do it! It felt... hmmm.. a great sense of satisfaction? Im sure it is! Coz I was tired too but it felt great somehow.

Perhaps, I am slowly becoming like her. What goes around comes around =)






Mom, uve moulded the best of me. Thank you I love u.